In Comparison, Drell Courtship is Simple
by Gialla
Summary: Thane Krios, feeling pressure from some of the more gossipy Normandy crewmen, uneasily begins educating himself on the human holiday, St. Valentine's Day, and asks his ship mates for help preparing a traditional, human dinner and celebration for Shepard. (I'm a little new to this so please excuse any initial lay out related clumsiness, and please leave a review, if you like)


"Subtle" was not a word commonly used to describe Rosa Shepard. On first glance, such a statement would seem obvious; the woman was a well renowned soldier, famous for brutality in combat and an unrivaled prowess with sniper rifles. Stories and vids on the Battle of the Citadel and her slaughtering of the geth had burned an image into the collective public mind of a war ravaged woman, tearing grenade pins out with her teeth, as she dashed across the battle field, sending her omni-blade into synthetic hearts across the veil. The populace was somewhat correct, while Shepard's teammates often complained that she made herself the biggest target in the field, they neglected to consider the fact that Shepard, like most soldiers, frequently took cover and shot at enemies from afar. Rather than simply rush up to enemies, through rainstorms of bullets, to smack them senseless with the butt of her rifle, as was popular opinion.

On viewing the hastily made _"Battle of the Citadel: The True Story_" vid, Shepard forgave the producers and public for thinking of her as an unstoppable force of nature. How could she be upset with such an admirable title? She rather liked it. She soon forgot that she wasn't a relentless killing machine and gave into the persona. For a short while Shepard annoyed the crew of the Normandy with boasts of her own expertise and ruthlessness, until the next distraction came her way.

It was safe to assume that the public who perceived Commander Shepard as brutal and vicious imagined her to be as mean and unforgiving in her social life. The reality of it was that while Shepard was by no means "quiet" and "subtle" on the Normandy neither was she "nasty" or "pitiless." Shepard's lack of peaceful fineness was, in actuality, attributed to her grating enthusiasm for any and most days of relevance.

No one could have made an adequate guess as to why, but the Commander seemed to have an unparalleled passion for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and all sorts of celebrations. Those members of the crew who were better acquainted with Shepard supposed her fervor for those sort of things was due to a desire to alleviate the day to day tedium that could be experienced aboard a starship. They were grateful to Shepard for her attempts but her efforts to mark these special occasions became a nuisance over time, and the Cerberus crew learned soon after their fifth birthday party in the same month that constant cake was not a good thing. Jacob was growing noticeably weary of doing extra sit-ups to burn off cake calories and Miranda was pulling out her hair around Christmas, the obnoxious amount of mistletoe, blinking lights, and bells had sent her up the wall and she was often overheard ranting to herself about "expenses" and "unneeded frivolity." Kelly Chambers really seemed to be the only person onboard the SR2 who enjoyed Shepard's love of celebrations, and her own infatuation with all things joyful may have been the only reason Shepard's holiday addiction was supported.

December had been, by far, the Normandy's least favorite month in their never-ending cruise. In addition to the terrible amount of tinsel and lights added to the Normandy, the crew was constantly pestered with reminders to buy presents for one another and to join Shepard for mass, if they so desired. Which no one did. The alien members of the ship had the holiday season far easier than the humans did, and they were hated for it. To the aliens, the Christmas decorations were meaningless eyesores, the suggestions to buy gifts were optional, and the two, lucky dextro-amino based life forms had a proper excuse to refuse Rupert's holiday fruitcake. What really annoyed the humans, though, was that even though the aliens received none of the Christmas brunt, Shepard still gave them presents. And while Joker did love his new seat warmer and Zaeed was secretly fond of the scrapbook Shepard had bought him, they still hated Tali for getting a heated blanket and Grunt for playing with his Shiagur action figure all the time. _Why should they get any presents?_ Joker thought to himself, as he wriggled his butt into the padded seat warmer. _Why should they get any presents when they weren't forced to kiss Ken under the mistletoe or make up excuses to not attend "mass" with Shepard in her cabin or buy presents for anyone else on the ship?!_ And Joker certainly wasn't the only one thinking along those lines. Zaeed thought it, as he pasted pictures of Jessie and Vido into his scrapbook. Miranda thought it, as she settled her feet into her new _Dr. Scholl's High Heel Inserts_. And Jack thought it, as she stared down the teddy bear Shepard bought her, trying to resist the urge to hug it and call it "friend."

Considering their intense hatred for the Christmas season it was ironic to think some Normandy crewmen were looking forward to the month of February and the approach of St. Valentine's Day. The wiser members of the crew were startled to find they were thinking of the holiday and the weeks preceding it as "restful" and free of any Shepard-induced seasonal stress. The crew from December would not have believed it, but the brave Cerberus servicemen and Shepard's assorted collection of killers and psychopaths breathed a collective sigh of relief at the selfish realization that Shepard's plentiful Valentine's Day reminders would be sent entirely in the direction of one person: Thane Krios. The commander would be far too distracted with her first in a surely long line of Kaidan replacements to hound the crew and Thane about flowers and love at the same time. The thought of a Valentine's Day where he didn't have to give everyone on the Normandy a box of chalky, candy hearts had Joker's mouth watering. A Valentine's Day where he wouldn't have to break out the crayons and make a hurried, humorless card for Shepard? Or watch a corny, asari romantic comedy? The thought was too good to be true! The idea of a lazy Valentine's Day, where he didn't have to do anything except fly, had Joker in such an uncharacteristically cheerful mood that Kelly started to consider him "approachable." Kelly's company wasn't something Joker would have normally enjoyed, but the continuous thought of one person, one person who wasn't him, getting tortured on Valentine's Day made Kelly's presence endurable. A small part of Joker felt guilty for not warning the certainly clueless Thane what he was in for. But Joker shrugged it off, not really wanting to help; he told himself that Thane was getting what he deserved for walking around with an exposed chest and leather pants.

When the week before Valentine's Day approached crewmen aside from Joker slowly started to realize that they were to receive no pestering from Shepard about card exchanges or romantic movies, their commander hadn't even made the slightest reference towards the approaching holiday. Only those who were observant enough to recognize Shepard would desire Thane's attention alone on Valentine's Day felt relief, while those who hadn't the time or attentiveness for such observations continued waiting in fretful anticipation for the memos about cards and candies to be passed around. When Tali realized that there were to be no ship wide celebrations she rushed to Joker to share the news, reveling in a reality where she'd have to celebrate one less human holiday. When Miranda realized it she announced to the ship that she was taking a personal day on the fourteenth. And when Garrus realized it he immediately dug through his footlocker to retrieve one very expensive, very prohibited Vallum cigar; he locked the doors to the main battery, lit the costly cigar, and settled in for a long afternoon of "rejoicing."

Aside from the relieving knowledge that their holiday would be blissfully Shepard-free, those enlightened passengers on the Normandy (mostly Joker) found the idea of watching Shepard torture Thane with Valentine's Day notices and cues far too amusing to pass up. While the more conscientious of Shepard's friends, Tali principally, had doubts about abstaining from warning Thane of the upcoming human holiday, her worries were soon allayed by the pleasures Garrus promised of witnessing someone else wilt under the pressure of living up to Shepard's high, holiday expectations. Tali's cheeks blushed deeply under her helmet, the idea of safely observing torment while knowing that she herself could not be harmed by Shepard's unshakable zeal, was tantalizing enough to make her forget about Sere Krios' sanity and wellbeing. She promptly agreed to join the small squad of Normandy voyeurs, excited by the idea of spying and eavesdropping on Shepard and Thane. Besides, surveying the intricacies and inner workings of a relationship would give Tali ideas on how to behave once she caught Garrus' eye.

Joker, Tali, and Garrus, bound together by a pact to snoop on their commanding officer and her boyfriend, gleefully began their first morning of spying, eager to see Shepard pounce on her iguana friend at breakfast. Joker and Garrus, notorious late sleepers, entrusted Tali to report for them exactly how much Shepard pestered Thane in the morning. The quarian sat at the mess table and waited for the couple in question to appear, silently overjoyed by the prospect of studying a working, functioning, relationship, rather than the promise of seeing Thane's forehead vein burst. However, Tali's desire to examine Shepard and Krios in action went unfulfilled that morning, as did Joker and Garrus' longing to learn Shepard harassed the living daylights out of the drell. Shepard and Thane, against all expectations, sat down for a quiet breakfast together, hardly speaking to one another as Shepard did the crossword in her women's magazine and Thane hid behind his newspaper. Only when Tali approached Mess Sergeant Gardner for more pancakes did Shepard say anything, Tali momentarily tuned Rupert's story out to pay closer attention to the commander. Tali was happy that she could report something back to Joker and Garrus, but she knew they'd be disappointed to hear Shepard only asked if Thane knew an eight letter word for "a hanar poetry rally", and that the drell's answer was unintelligible through his tea cup.

Still, the three spies held out hope that at some point Shepard would begin the Valentine's Day harassment they were all expecting. The majority of the day was to be spent en route to the Alpha Draconis system, so there wasn't much to do in the way of daring shoot outs with mercenaries and mechs, most of the crew was saddled with station duty, a chore no one aside from Garrus relished. With the vast, boring, empty day ahead of them, Shepard was bound to visit Thane at some point, and when she did Joker would be ready to savor the fact that he wasn't the one being battered by the commander. Yet, as far as Joker knew, Shepard never made a stopover at life support that day. The commander spent the majority of the day in her cabin, filling out papers and playing with Deacon the space hamster. Garrus, being situated nearest to the mess, had more opportunities to observe Shepard and Thane than the others, and stealthily peeked around the corners of the main battery doorway to watch them eat. While the two, naturally, conversed with one another during the meal, Garrus couldn't say the Valentine's Day interaction ever occurred. Which he thought odd considering Shepard and Thane took breakfast, lunch, tea, and super together.

Shepard did, however, pop into life support at the end of the day. But if she had brought up Valentine's Day there the trio wouldn't have known, as EDI refused to hack the Cerberus monitoring devices for "decency's sake."

The next day and the day after came and went, and some certain people on the Normandy were disappointed to find that, in that time, Shepard hadn't even begun pounding the idea of Valentine's Day into Thane's head. Garrus, with his prime location by the mess, kept his ear out the entire time for any snippet of romantic oppression from the commander. But Shepard never said anything overly amorous to Thane, and the private drell, unsurprisingly, didn't make any grand proclamations of love either. Garrus was beginning to wonder if Shepard's squad was mistaken in assuming the two were romantically involved, or, at the very least, in a_ loving_ relationship. It was certainly possible that Garrus, of all people, was incorrect in presuming so, poisonous memories of high school were all he needed to remind himself that he was terrible at reading body language. Still, his social ineptitude gave no explanation as to why Joker, Tali, and the majority of the squad agreed Shepard and Thane were an item. Maybe there was a good reason why Shepard went through pains to distract the crew with holiday festivities, otherwise they'd spread gossip and concoct evil espionage plans amongst themselves. Garrus brought this up to Tali, who was also growing concerned over the lack of tender whispers and fond touches between the apparent lovers. She concurred, from underneath her heated blanket, that the unforeseen uneasiness between the two was odd but she angrily disagreed with the notion of Thane and Shepard's relationship being "on the rocks" (as Garrus eloquently described it). Tali tumbled and rolled underneath her blanket, struggling to poke her head out from underneath its heated wonder so she could look Garrus in the face as she asserted the fact that Shepard and Sere Krios would never break up, and that ceasing their spying activities was absolutely out of the question.

Thus the continuation of the small group's pitiful, little surveillance effort was assured by Tali's determination to observe an operational, romantic relationship. And it was maintained to the silent displeasure of Thane Krios. Rosa couldn't be expected to be bothered by the three's peculiar behavior. For one, she hardly noticed their spying and eavesdropping attempts, but when she did she was incredibly pleased, thinking her squad's sudden desire to constantly surround her was a remarkably good thing. After all, she was always saying the crew needed to take a larger interest in her activities. Thane, on the other hand, was painfully aware of his shipmates' new favorite hobby. As a man who was accustomed to doing the spying, the clumsiness Garrus, Tali, and a few of the humans exhibited in their undercover work was terribly annoying and unnerving in its obviousness. He hadn't any inkling as to why they would've thought spying on him was a good idea; Thane would have assumed anyone planning to infiltrate his privacy would've realized how useless a scheme it was before even making the first attempt at doing so. Did Rupert think Thane honestly wouldn't notice the way he cocked his head in his and Rosa's direction while they ate together? Did Garrus truly believe Thane didn't see him peek his head around corners to stare at him? And surely EDI, an AI, would have enough intelligence to recognize that he would notice when she was listening to his and Rosa's conversations in life support…unless she was only eavesdropping on Joker's request. In that case Joker should have known better.

It wasn't, however, all too hard to piece together why he was being spied on. If the crew's body language and noticeable attempts at listening in hadn't given it away, than Kelly's horrible unsubtle questions would have been enough to tell Thane exactly what the crew was curious about. He had read that it was human nature to be inquisitive, but Thane wasn't entirely sure if that inquisitiveness was always so brazen and forthright. Rosa, like many of the humans Thane knew, had a habit of asking too many questions, but none of her inquiries were about his personal life. At least, not from the start, as Kelly's were. Thane had hardly ever spoken with the yeomen, yet she approached him one morning, interrupting his earliest (and, therefore, most sacred) teatime to ask him a series of inelegantly phrased questions that clumsily tried to hide the fact that they were meant to pry into his personal business. He answered them the best he could, employing his daily newspaper as a shield between himself and Chambers. Eventually, Kelly got the message that Thane didn't have the capacity to reveal any personal details to strangers. She giggled, cutely, said something about him being "shy" and rose from the dining table, adding, before she left, that if the commander were her girlfriend she'd take every opportunity she had to show she cared.

The morning Kelly asked Thane all of her invasive questions the crew of the Normandy stumbled into the mess hall to find the one of the ship's early risers wasn't there. The men and women of Cerberus had grown accustomed to seeing Thane first thing before breakfast, but that morning the drell's usual seat was mysteriously empty. Shepard was especially worried to find her mealtime companion was missing, her women's magazine was hanar owned and, consequently, a good percentage of the crossword questions were hanar related. Who else but Thane could tell her the translation for "First Cresting Bloom" or what hanar planet was named for "the sweet-smelling land breezes of Kahje"? Shepard, determined to finish her crossword puzzle, assured a mostly uncaring crew that she would get to the bottom of Mr. Krios' nonappearance and turned on her heel for life support.

Accustomed to being granted immediate access to life support, Shepard was surprised and somewhat offended to find the doors were locked. The big, red light that signified a sealed door glared at the commander, it's brightening and dimming patterns insulting her senses with its humming and whirring taunts of "you're not allowed inside."

Shepard frowned.

She'd show that door who's boss.

From the inside of life support the sound of Shepard's knocking and whacking exploded and clanged off the metal walls, she came off as much louder than intended, if she had known what an echo chamber the small room was Shepard probably would've been far more gentle. After all, the drell inside, despite being built of thick, fibrous muscles and unbreakable reticence, had a perfectly fragile mind that had, quite recently, become incredibly prone to headaches. The sound of Rosa's voice and the reverberations of her fist against the door in no way benefited this fragility. Thane could feel the thuds of knuckles on metal hammer themselves into his skull, driving a thin, pulsing thread of pain straight through the bone and into the emptied blood and meat underneath. The realization that some of the crew (or at least Yeomen Chambers) knew of his affection for Rosa was what sent Thane ducking for cover in life support. Considering this, he wasn't keen on speaking to the commander. But the pain she created in his head with those sharp thwacks and the call of her heavily accented voice was too much for Thane to endure. Even though he didn't want to give any more clues to the already suspicious crew (who were surely watching the commander at the moment) Thane couldn't help but announce his presence to Rosa with an angry growl in the direction of the door.

Her noise stopped for a moment. When Rosa didn't immediately respond Thane felt an immediate sense of regret. He shouldn't have been so short with her. He considered telling her, through the door, that he was sorry and almost did so but Rosa spoke first. She asked if he overslept, informing him that it was time for breakfast with a tone that said she hadn't notice and, therefore, hadn't taken offence to, his unjustified curtness.

Thane, in a much meeker voice than before, explained that he wasn't feeling well, and would prefer to spend the day in life support. It wasn't a complete lie; though the headache was temporary Thane certainly wasn't feeling well for the moment and he would have enjoyed spending the entire day in his quarters, away from the prying eyes of the crew. A small silence followed from Rosa, a silence that, yet again, reinforced the guilt that had settled in Thane's stomach. But Rosa eventually made a noise, saying that if he felt it was necessary he stay in life support she wouldn't interfere, but she would like for him to see Mordin or Dr. Chakwas at some point during the day.

It was a reasonable request.

Thane promised, through the metal door, that he'd visit Mordin later in the afternoon.

On the other side of the door, Rosa smiled.

But Thane only heard her lively voice tweet, "_Gracias!"_ as she fluttered away from the door.


End file.
